Sunday, December 11, 2005

This is the second last post before the end of this calendar year on Johnny C and the Sunshine Blog, and so instead of being the top albums list that will keep you happy and warm through the holidays it is going to be a thoughtful, contemplative, and most importantly personal post.

I've just got one real thing on my mind. This year I've finally realized and noticed the importance of charisma. Having charm lets people empathize with and to you; it seems to open people up quicker to more personal relationships with you. It's a fantastic gift for those who have it, but it unfortunately acts as a curse for those who don't.

Can you see where this is going?

I don't have charisma. It's painfully obvious by now. What irritates me is how hard I have to work to get anywhere near the same level of relationship that people with charisma get after a very short time. And just in case you're thinking this might be directed at you in particular, it's not. It's just something very general that I've noticed among my entire circle of friends. I'm not sure what charisma is based on, but I don't have it, and I have to work Goddamn hard to make up for it.

Life without charisma is difficult. You virtually crave normal conversations, personal attention, affection, a lack of derision, and unless you luck into a really good day or a really good person it just doesn't happen. It's not something people intentionally avoid doing, it's just something that doesn't happen. Which is probably more upsetting. I do everything I can to meet people and develop great relationships with them, and I guess I do get a little envious that some people can seem to have stronger friendships over less time.

I don't use this space to bitch about my personal life much, guys. I usually gear it towards pop culture, politics, art, anything. But what a lack of charisma is leaving me with has started to cause serious problems.

How much do you know about me? I mean, if I could vote in the election next year, who do you think I would vote for? What's my favourite novel - and more importantly, why? What's my favourite colour? Beyond my views on Christian music, what do I think about faith? What do I think life is for? I mean, I know the answers to all these, but do you?

I'm asking because I have a pretty huge identity crisis on my shoulder all the time. I wish people would talk to me in contexts where the goal isn't for me to either make them laugh or launch into a discourse about music. I get into group situations and that seems like the only thing I'm good for, if only because everybody else is naturally laughing and chatting and hugging, and whenever I try to do it people shut me down or don't pay attention or act all awkward. It sucks when people don't actually want to get to know you, especially if your primary goal in life is based around self-expression.

What I'm trying to say is, I know I like music a lot and I know I'm not blessed with charisma. But if you care about me enough to read this far, then please, I'm just asking you if there's anything I can do to try and overcome the latter, and to get people to know me for more than the first.



Anyways, thanks for reading this year. I've already started on the top albums list, and I'll post it probably on Thursday or Friday.

posted by John @ 1:10 PM.